Knock on Should

This piece was written in summer 2021.

If 2020 had gone as it should, things would have been very different. 

That’s an understatement of massive proportion on a global scale, of course. Pandemic illness dictated isolation and fear, political manipulations stoked systemic misogyny, homophobia and racism. Healthcare workers were overwhelmed, exhausted and sometimes literally worked to death.  

For me, and likely for you, those big things meant small things spiraled as well. In my business, speaking gigs evaporated as conferences were cancelled. The farmers markets I manage and mentor were closed and then curtailed, putting the farmers and foodmakers I love and nurture at risk along with our food chain. In our family, my grandchildren missed senior football season scholarship opportunities, and the chance to make friends at the dorm and in kindergarten. Their mothers juggled virtual schooling and careers, and struggled with both. Our oldest child died on Christmas Eve, quarantines keeping all who loved him far from his hospital bedside, unable to hold his hand or stroke his head.    

Hang on, we really will get to the cheerful part. 

Should Knot

Sage speakers from Marcus Aurelius to Wayne Dyer insist that everything happens exactly as it should. If only we were wise or omniscient enough, we’d know that. We’re just confused by our own inadequate and shortsighted vision, and don’t understand how life works. I dissent.   

There’s an Emily McDowell card in my drawer that says, “Let me be the first to punch the next one who tells you that everything happens for a reason.” Well intended though they may be, those words of comfort often baffle and sometimes irritate me. Curiosity has led me through a variety of spiritual beliefs and practices, and I roundly decline any which have included a deity who doles out accidents, illness or the heartbreak of losing a child as part of a secret plot, or as coursework for an advanced degree in life skills. 

Finding lessons in every experience: that can and does happen. When we can muster the stamina and staunch the ugly crying, we can discover new perspectives. We can change old patterns, set new priorities. We can find the silver linings. And we can give up the illusion that we or anyone else is in control. Things happen as they do, not be confused with as they should. And we cope with them as we can, in our own time.  

Should Enough

Giving up an attachment to how things should be is freeing. It’s not always easy. 

Any of us born healthy and housed should be grateful. And yet sometimes we need to remember that misery is not a competitive sport. We can acknowledge that others may be far worse off, and still deserve to wallow a bit about our own disappointments and pain and indulge in all the self care we can manage. Let’s ignore anyone who says we should look on the bright side, until we’re ready to do just that. 

It takes just a shred of empathy to know that children should be cuddled, not caged. Justice systems should be fair, not profit motivated or race based. Everyone, everywhere should be sheltered and fed and respected. And yet, things happen as they do, and sometimes as they’re designed, and too often not at all as they should. Giving up the idea that injustice is ordained means capturing the power to improve things, in small ways that add up to large shifts. 

Second guessing what we should be doing means missing what we are doing. We may not be changing the whole world today, but we’re each changing our corner. We’re raising chickens and awareness and vegetables and children. We’re speaking up and digging in and fighting back. An encouraging number of us are pausing to consider whether our words are kind and our waste is necessary. We’re dissecting and protecting and protesting. 

We’re also packing the beach umbrella and sliding into flip flops and stealing a day away, even if we should be working. Balance means cutting into ripe watermelons and biting into plums so juicy they drip down our chins and leave our fingers sticky, and eating more ice cream than we should. Exercise lures us not because we should but because the water is warm and the days are long, and strong bodies sing louder. 

Things aren’t as they should be, they’re as they are, with changes coming as we and the next generation choose to do better. There is more to celebrate than to mourn in each new day. In spite of all we know and all we don’t, hope is in the summer air, and that’s most certainly something to be cheerful about. 

Catt Fields White

______

Catt Fields White brings farmers to the city and people to the table, supporting farmers markets, human sized businesses and food systems, so that her grandchildren and yours always know the joy of a bowl of ripe summer berries.  

@cattfieldswhite  @farmersmarketpros