at home in my skin
I have never felt like this human body fitted me.
Awkward.
Unsure how to navigate inside it.
Inhibited.
So much energy within, unsure how to use it.
Get to the gym, spin, move it off.
Don’t be wild.
Good women are not wild.
Be conventional.
Stay low key.
Stay small.
Difficult if you are tall.
Tell us what you think
But don’t be really honest.
Dance the tightrope of social acceptance and inner compromise.
Express yourself - but only so much.
Calm down.
When you see me dancing, moving and laughing my head off every morning, I expect it would be easy to assume I was happy all the time. To speculate I feel comfortable in my own skin and have zero critical voices. As I started out this self trust practice, that was galaxies away from the truth.
The journey to self trust, to start moving from the inside out, rather than the outside in, took a confronting path, dancing on the edges of my comfort zone. It took being was backed into a corner, to get committed to creating days where I cared less, laughed more and felt more comfortable in my skin.
Letting go of self judgement and what others think, has been incredible medicine for the soul.
The choice to dance each day was no lightbulb moment or strategic plan.
It came from a dark day.
I woke feeling low, one morning too often. As the alarm beeped, my body resistant to stepping into another day, rose. This can’t go on. Feeling helpless and overwhelmed. “Get your game face on Rach, you can do it.”
Life had felt like wading through treacle for well over a year. Whilst functionally life was working, emotionally I was tired. I’d had a miscarriage earlier that year, subsequent relationship breakdown, country relocation and well, just a lot. A LOT.
I felt depleted and powerless.
It felt like life was happening to me. Not by me. Or For me.
I knew that I could create my reality. I just need to choose the way I was thinking about it and put a few things in place. And commit.
I was bored of that inner voice keeping me small, safe and inhibited. I felt like sh*t.
It was time to change the game.
What do I love?
A simple question. But fundamental.
I love to dance like no-one is watching.
(underline, when no-one is watching)
I love to sing in the shower.
(My first love bought me singing lessons for Christmas once. The card said “Merry Christmas Gorgeous, you have the voice of an angel and all angels need signing lessons!” - i can’t sing.)
I love the feeling when I laugh my head off.
(That would be too free and weird)
Be full-power when no-one is watching. Sound familiar?
My body has always felt like a place to keep quiet. One to stay low key. I swam as a child. Dance was not my genre.
My mood and energy was low, it needed a significant shift. This was going to take some discipline. A daily discipline to rewire my thought processes. I’d recently read Atomic Habits by James Clear, who’d talked of small daily habits building compound interest. Make it achievable. It regulates the nervous system when we keep small daily promises.
Ok so dance. Daily, for 40 days.
See what happens.
I went out to 40 women, and asked them each to send over their favourite joy song. I promised them the playlist. As the songs arrived, in the questions came too.
This daily habit felt like it could become a ritual.
To honour the feminine.
The Skin that we are in.
I would dance one song each morning before leaving for work, video it for accountability & post it online. Intentionally making the offering of Joy and dance, to one woman around the world each day.
As the days started, the video was crippling me; “look how you move, your big X, your awkward Y, look at your wrinkles, your over 40 who do you think you are doing this..” The words of the critic arrived, and I’d had enough, I am having my life back - I ignored her.
I made a commitment to connect within, move from the inside out. Connect to JOY and offer it across the air waves with intention.
Within 2 weeks, I was looking forward to these moments, my body was relaxing, the clouds were lifting within. I was actually enjoying telling my inner critic to F* Off. My power was coming back. The practice had become a cleaning of my inner house. Moving stagnant energy, clearing and intentionally setting the mood for the day and making an offering to life. To Womanhood, to being here.
At the same time, my inbox was filling up with messages. “How do you do that? I want to feel like that, could you help me feel that? I can’t stop watching these. I feel horrible in my body. I could never do that”
You can.
You can.
Dance on the edge of your comfort zone.
Some days I would scream and laugh out loud, freedom and pure joy. Others would start with tears and aching. Everyday became a step closer to putting life back in my own hands. By being full-power in those moments, I stepped back towards the Rach I’d forgotten. The one who didn’t care about shoulds, conforming or being too much. The slow and heavy mornings moved to excitement and hope each day. Thoughts of pointlessness disappeared and creativity arrived.
The 40 days turned to 90, which turned to 360. This small daily habit, which took less than 5 minutes, changed the game of life.
So when you see me dance and think I’m always positive and happy. Know that it is a practice. An intentional practice to own my human experience. For life to happen by me and through me. To set the tone.
This incredible human body, which has felt so awkward to inhabit, with all its lumps and bumps, has become an incredible gift. It can be a beautiful place, in which to feel home, a beautiful laboratory to explore the magic of life through.
Adulthood can become a confined place of terms and conditions.
What do you love?
What would you do if you knew no-one was watching?
Do that.
A morning ritual.
A small daily practice.
To set the day right.
Make your morning mood matter.
You matter.
Now what’s your favourite JOY Tune? Let me dance to it!
Standing alongside Papyrus UK & dedicated to the teenage Rach, who attempted to say goodbye, and after a desperate fight was brought back to life.
Rachel Allan